


The Ballad Of Me And My Brain

by nfwmb_delicate



Category: original character - Fandom
Genre: F/F, chronically ill
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-04-21
Updated: 2019-04-21
Packaged: 2020-01-23 06:50:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 483
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18544507
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nfwmb_delicate/pseuds/nfwmb_delicate





	The Ballad Of Me And My Brain

I spend a lot of my days, laying on my side in bed as a war rages inside the whole vessel that is my body. From skull-crushing pains in my head, to my leg hurting so badly I want to have it amputated, to my stomach not even tolerating the tiniest bit of nutrients. I’m just in a constant state of pain, and that’s how it is, that’s how chemo left me.  
See the thing is, chemo killed the cancer, but it also fucked up my body. My legs? Don’t quite know how to keep my up for long. They go without warning and then I’m there, falling in the middle of whatever I’m doing. My hands can’t quite tell if something is hot or not, so that leads to burns just trying to cook or make myself a cuppa tea.  
Some days all I can do is curl up and cry, not just because of the pain. But the ptsd and constant anxiety it’s left me in. Something as simple as a smell of hand sanitizer or a song, or even looking out my window (aka the only sight I could see for six months of being on lockdown due to chemo). Worrying at every lump, every new mark that appears. This anxiety, with its partner in crime, depression really make it hard for me to heal. Because what I’m fighting now has the same symptoms as MS.  
That thing, that new dragon to tame? It’s name is Functional Neurological Disorder, aka FND. It means if my body is like a computer, the hardware is all good, but the software is horrid. Less then 18% get much better. But I’m not going to let this take control of me.  
See, I’m just an average 18 year old, well kinda, I love music. I talk crap with my friends, most of which are online, I love concerts and junk food. I just look different because I use a wheelie walker or a cane to help me get around. I used to think all that would stop me from being me but it’s just a part of me now.  
It took about two rough years to finally accept that my wheelie walker and canes are needed to help me in life and to be okay with that. I thought that I should just let people trample on me because “I’m disabled, nobody can truly love me as I am”. However I found out that’s not true. A beautiful friendship blossomed into gorgeous love. For that woman, I’d do anything. She loves me in my worst times and my best and she even includes accessibility as a part of our future plans. And that, kids, is real love. I could go on about Morgana for hours. But back to why I’m here, writing this;  
My name is Kathleen Appleton and this is how I live


End file.
